Doug Meyers: Krieger Littleton Would Like Everyone to Stop Calling His Friends

June 1, 2440
The Meyers Show Podcast
Recorded via Zoom from Krieger Littleton’s new community

After interviewing Rayya Chakrobarty, Journey Chakrobarty, and Jimnah Chakrobarty, Doug Meyers’s next guest was not another member of the family.

It was fifteen-year-old Krieger Littleton.

Littleton is one of the young Freehold residents whose surname has recently appeared in arguments about whether a small collection of old local families are disproportionately represented among the people helping establish new settlements.

He is also assistant activities director for a newly forming community of 142 families, 134 of them V’ren.

And, as he informed Meyers immediately, he knew this was coming.

Doug Meyers: You look thrilled to be here.

Krieger Littleton: I knew this would eventually come back to me.

Doug: The surname article?

Krieger: Everything.

There are reporters calling people in my community. They’re calling my friends. Somebody called my twelve-year-old sister.

Stop doing that.

If you want to ask me something, ask me.

Doug: Your sister apparently had opinions about one reporter.

Krieger: I am usually somebody who has to tell Alice to calm down.

But to whichever reporter she called a “sleazy fucking twat waffle,” you had it coming.

For this one moment, I am very proud to be her brother.

Doug: I don’t believe I’ve ever heard sibling pride expressed quite that way.

Krieger: It won’t last.

Doug: Let’s start with why reporters are interested in you.

You’re fifteen, you’re a Littleton, and you’re now assistant activities director for a new community.

Krieger: Yes.

Doug: Population?

Krieger: One hundred forty-two families right now.

One hundred thirty-four are V’ren.

Doug: And you got the job because you’re a Littleton?

Krieger: No.

I got it because I performed well when we were organizing people before and I’m good at organizing events.

This isn’t even new work for me.

I’m in the project-management track at school. Jimnah Chakrobarty and I are in the same class. We both turned fifteen this year.

This is the kind of thing I’m studying.

So when they needed somebody helping organize activities, schedules, common spaces, events, clubs, introductions, and all the little things that make a bunch of houses into a community, I was there.

They already knew I could do it.

Doug: Which sounds suspiciously similar to Freehold HR’s argument.

Krieger: Because they’re right.

I understand why people want hiring to be fair.

But we are putting communities together while people are moving into them.

If somebody already watched me do the work, why would they pretend they haven’t met me and make me submit a résumé?

Doug: Eight interviews.

Krieger: If you make me do eight interviews for assistant activities director, I no longer want to work for you.

Doug: Strong negotiating position at fifteen.

Krieger: I have options.

Doug: Does the Littleton name help?

Krieger: Of course it helps sometimes.

People know my family.

I’m not stupid.

But there are a lot of Littletons here.

There are a lot of Marmadukes and Harts and Chakrobartys too.

People online are acting like there are six of us sitting around a table dividing Missouri among ourselves.

I have relatives I’ve never met.

Doug Meyers: And now we arrive at the Chakrobartys.

Krieger Littleton: Unfortunately.

Doug: You spend a lot of time with Jimnah, Claudia and Buella.

Krieger: They’re my friends.

That’s apparently a difficult concept.

I am spoken for.

Quit asking.

And quit asking Buella if there was something between us. There wasn’t.

I was with those three a lot this year because they’re my friends. We were also supervising Alice and the three twelve-year-old Chakrobarty boys that she was very definitely not playing hard to get with.

Doug: Your sister Alice.

Krieger: Yes.

The one who called one of your fellow journalists a sleazy fucking twat waffle.

Again, proud brother for the moment.

I am told all three of those boys are now infatuated with V’ren girls.

That is much more interesting.

Go investigate that.

Doug: You understand that telling reporters to investigate three twelve-year-old boys may be contrary to the point you made at the beginning of this interview.

Krieger: Right.

Don’t call them either.

Observe from a respectful distance.

Like wildlife.

Doug: And the Chakrobarty girls?

Krieger: Jimnah’s whole thing with the V’ren boys makes sense to me.

The V’ren need a lot of calories.

If I were one of them, I would absolutely rank her cooking pretty high on my list of qualifications for a future wife.

Doug: You’re going to get yourself in trouble.

Krieger: Jimnah knows she’s a good cook.

Everybody knows she’s a good cook.

That’s not classified.

Doug: Claudia has considerably more attention.

Krieger: Claudia is Claudia.

Half the boys could stand outside holding signs that say I am courting you and she’d probably ask whether they had completed an application.

Jimnah knows what’s happening.

Buella has the best strategy.

Doug: Which is?

Krieger: Minding her own business.

Doug: Which she has now informed the internet personally.

Krieger: She’s smarter than all of us.

Doug: You keep saying you’re spoken for. We should probably establish who has spoken.

Krieger: Sira Rell.

Doug: The same Sira who was following you around Camp Krieger within days of landing?

Krieger: That’s one interpretation.

Doug: I was there for some of this.

Krieger: Fine.

Yes.

Sira decided it was inevitable.

Apparently that is how V’ren romance works when the girl has reached a conclusion.

About a week later I’m at guitar practice with Uncle Dave and she tells me she’s making supper.

I come home.

There is adobo and rice that she made.

Cassava cake she bought from the bakery in town.

And I have approximately half as much dresser space as I had when I left.

Doug: She moved in while you were playing guitar?

Krieger: Basically.

There was no formal announcement.

There was just less dresser.

Doug: That may be the most efficient engagement I’ve ever heard.

Krieger: She has decided we’re getting married.

I’m not arguing very hard.

Doug: Naturally there are now people asking whether she’s pregnant.

Krieger: No.

She isn’t pregnant.

And no, we’re not planning children anytime soon either.

She wants what may be the most un-V’ren relationship imaginable.

She wants to spend years getting to know me before we have kids.

Doug: Years.

Krieger: Years.

Apparently I am under extended evaluation.

Doug: Have you informed her that this is dangerously human behavior?

Krieger: I think she’s aware.

She has also met my family.

Doug: That is considerably more dangerous.

Krieger: She has Lola Marcy’s approval.

Doug: Oh.

Well, you’re finished then.

Krieger: See?

You understand.

Doug: I know your grandmother. If Marcy Littleton approved the girl, why are we still pretending there is an appeal process?

Krieger: Exactly.

Lola even ate Sira’s pinakbet and told her that when things quiet down she’ll teach her to make puto.

Doug: That’s beyond approval.

Krieger: I know.

I fear I might get fat.

Doug: Between Sira and the Chakrobartys, your primary romantic danger appears to be carbohydrates.

Krieger: There are worse ways to go.

Doug: Does Sira understand how much attention the two of you have attracted?

Krieger: Unfortunately, yes.

She has access to the internet now.

So does Pedro.

Doug: Pedro being your dog.

Krieger: My extremely pudgy dog.

Doug: And Pedro Littleton now has his own account.

Krieger: @PedroLittleton.

He has more followers than I do.

Doug: Do you run it?

Krieger: No.

Doug: Sira?

Krieger: She says no.

Doug: Alice?

Krieger: She says no.

I have asked around.

Nobody will admit to it.

Doug: So who is speaking for your dog to hundreds of thousands of people?

Krieger: Pedro is a very clever dog.

Doug: That’s your official answer?

Krieger: I have seen no evidence disproving it.

Doug: Does Pedro receive compensation for his media work?

Krieger: According to Pedro, insufficient hot dogs.

Doug: I have read the account.

Krieger: So have I.

It’s weird finding out what your own dog supposedly thinks about you.

Doug: Does it sound like him?

Krieger: Disturbingly often.

Doug: Let’s get back to the job before Pedro takes over the interview.

Your new community has 142 families.

Krieger: One hundred thirty-four V’ren.

Doug: And your job as assistant activities director is partly integration.

Krieger: Right.

Activities sounds like we’re just planning dances.

Some of it is that.

But you don’t put 134 V’ren families and eight human families together and assume that because everyone has a house they’re suddenly a community.

We organize food nights, games, sports, things for little kids, teenagers, adults.

We’re figuring out which V’ren games humans like, which human games V’ren like, and which ones should never be attempted again.

Doug: The volleyball incident.

Krieger: No.

Doug: Still no?

Krieger: Everyone involved has not agreed.

Doug: You understand that makes me want the story more.

Krieger: That’s why I’m not telling you.

Doug: You’re getting disturbingly good at this.

Krieger: I’ve been watching all of you make mistakes for a month.

Doug: Do you see what you’re doing as unusual for someone who’s fifteen?

Krieger: Not really.

I’m in the project-management track.

Jimnah Chakrobarty and I are in the same class. We both turned fifteen this year.

I’m good at organizing events.

They needed somebody.

I had already done similar work.

I’m the assistant activities director, Doug.

People online hear fifteen and act like somebody handed me command of a battleship.

Mostly I make sure people know what we’re doing Saturday.

Doug: That’s where government begins.

Krieger: Don’t say that where Matt can hear you.

I already have a job.

Doug: Which brings us back to the surname argument. Do you think being a Littleton helped you?

Krieger: Sure.

People know my family.

I’m not going to lie and say that doesn’t matter.

But people also know me.

They saw me working.

There are reporters who apparently think that’s suspicious too.

I don’t know what they want.

Should everybody who knows me pretend they don’t know me so the hiring process feels fair?

Do I need to submit an AI résumé explaining the work they watched me do?

Doug: Eight interviews.

Krieger: I still refuse.

Doug: Last question. What do you wish people understood about all these teenagers suddenly showing up in jobs?

Krieger: We didn’t suddenly show up.

That’s the part everybody keeps missing.

Jimnah didn’t learn to run a kitchen last week.

Claudia didn’t touch her first clipboard after the V’ren landed.

I didn’t start learning project management because somebody needed an assistant activities director.

We’ve been doing versions of this stuff for years.

School.

Internships.

Families.

Clubs.

Jobs.

Then a million V’ren showed up and suddenly there was a ridiculous amount of work.

So people started asking the people who already knew how to do some of it.

That’s the conspiracy.

Doug: And now?

Krieger: Now I have to go.

Doug: Community work?

Krieger: Sira is making supper.

If I don’t keep an eye on her, she’ll feed Pedro hot dogs and slightly ash-covered marshmallows.

Doug: Does Pedro object?

Krieger: Pedro has never objected to food in his life.

Doug: Perhaps @PedroLittleton would like to comment.

Krieger: Don’t encourage him.

Doug: Too late. I follow him.

Krieger: Of course you do.

Doug: He has more followers than you.

Krieger: Everybody keeps telling me that.

Doug: Krieger Littleton, fifteen, project-management student, assistant activities director, fiancé of Sira Rell, grandson of Marcy Littleton, friend of the Chakrobarty sisters, and apparently junior staff member to a more successful canine media personality.

Krieger: I’m firing you.

Doug: You don’t work here.

Krieger: I’ll organize something.

Doug: There he is.

Krieger: Goodbye, Doug.

Doug: Tell Sira I said hello.

Krieger: I will.

Doug: And Pedro.

Krieger: He’ll probably post about you before I get home.

Doug: Even better.

Krieger: That’s what I’m afraid of.

Curated Social Media Replies:

• Social Media After Krieger Littleton’s Doug Interview
• @PedroLittleton:
  My boy spent an entire interview explaining that he is spoken for and somehow forgot the most important relationship in his life.I have been here longer.I accept apologies in hot dogs.
  • @KriegerLittleton:
    You cannot type.
    • @PedroLittleton:
      And yet I have more followers.
• @ArrowRockTattler:
  NOTES:
  Krieger is engaged.
  Sira has Lola Marcy approval.
  Pedro has more followers than Krieger.
  Krieger claims ignorance regarding @PedroLittleton management.
  Nobody believes him.
  Continuing investigation.
  • @KriegerLittleton:
    Please investigate something else.
    • @ArrowRockTattler:
      Added to notes: subject becoming defensive.
• @AliceLittleton:
  Since my brother is suddenly Mr. “I am spoken for, stop asking about girls,” I would like the record to reflect that LAST YEAR he took a bottle away from me and my friends while we were making perfectly good use of it.
  He said we were too young to play spin the bottle.
  Then he and like fifteen of our older siblings and friends decided THEY should play.
  • @KriegerLittleton:
    You were twelve.
    • @AliceLittleton:
      THAT IS NOT THE IMPORTANT PART.
• @MarshallDramaClub:
  Oh no.
  Alice has opened the archives.
  • @ArrowRockTattler:
    I have moved to a fresh page.
• @AliceLittleton:
  Since everyone is asking:
  Yes.
  During that game, my hypocrite brother kissed Jimnah, Claudia, Buella, their cousin Nyla, K.C. Garcia, and TWO Hart girls.
  Seven.
  I counted.
  • @KriegerLittleton:
    Why did you count?
    • @AliceLittleton:
      Because I had nothing else to do after SOMEONE STOLE OUR BOTTLE.
• @NylaLittletonFan:
  WAIT.
  All three Chakrobarty sisters?
  • @NylaChakrobarty:
    It was spin the bottle.
    This is significantly less interesting than you people desperately want it to be.
    • @AliceLittleton:
      Easy for you to say. You got to play.
• @BuellaChakrobarty:
  I was minding my own business then too.
  • @ClaudiaChakrobarty:
    You literally spun the bottle.
    • @BuellaChakrobarty:
      Temporary administrative lapse.
• @JimnahKitchenWatch:
  Jimnah kissed Krieger before testing V’ren boys with biscuits.
  This woman’s quality-control program has YEARS of field research.
  • @JimnahChakrobarty:
    No.
    • @ArrowRockTattler:
      Exact denial recorded.
• @MarshallBoy15:
  Krieger spent the whole interview yelling STOP ASKING ABOUT BUELLA and Alice showed up with seven names.
  Brother is having a difficult evening.
  • @KriegerLittleton:
    It was a game.
    • @MarshallBoy15:
      Chem Corvos says brushing your teeth and not getting handsy goes a long way, so honestly you probably survived review.
      • @KriegerLittleton:
        I HAVE NEVER MET CHEM CORVOS.
• @ChemCorvosFanPage:
  Unofficial Chem standard:
  Brags constantly: negative.Acts sweet: positive.Brushes teeth: apparently worth mentioning.
  Keeps hands where they belong: strong positive.
  Krieger may qualify on paper.
  • @KriegerLittleton:
    WHY AM I BEING CREDIT CHECKED BY SOMEONE I DON’T KNOW?
• @KCgarcia:
  Before anyone turns this into forbidden romance, it was spin the bottle and Krieger looked like he wanted the floor to swallow him for approximately half of his turns.
  • @AliceLittleton:
    LIAR. He kissed you twice.
    • @KCgarcia:
      The bottle landed twice.
      • @AliceLittleton:
        THE COURT RECOGNIZES TWO KISSES.
• @HartGirlOne:
  I have been informed I am now “one of the two Hart girls.”I have a name.I am considering not providing it because this is funnier.
  • @HartGirlTwo:
    Same.
    • @ArrowRockTattler:
      Two unidentified Hart witnesses refusing identification. Developing.
• @SalineCountyMom:
  Honestly, a bunch of fifteen-year-olds playing spin the bottle and one thirteen-year-old being furious she wasn’t allowed is the least alien thing to happen all month.
  • @AliceLittleton:
    TWELVE AT THE TIME AND THE AGE DISCRIMINATION REMAINS UNRESOLVED.
• @MarshallGirl15:
  The funniest thing is Krieger apparently kissed Claudia and Claudia probably treated it like receiving a receipt.
  • @ClaudiaChakrobarty:
    It was a game.
    • @MarshallGirl15:
      Exactly.
      • @ClaudiaChakrobarty:
        I do not understand your point.
        • @BuellaChakrobarty:
          And there it is.
• @VrenTeenCulture:
  Human courtship archive:
  Step one: spin bottle.Step two: kiss random friend.Step three: deny significance for a year.Step four: alien girlfriend moves into dresser.
  Earth customs remain difficult.
  • @SiraRell:
    I skipped unnecessary steps.
    • @KriegerLittleton:
      You skipped MOST steps.
• @PedroLittleton:
  Sira brought adobo.
  Sira brought rice.
  Sira brought cassava cake.
  Sira feeds dog.
  I recognized superior mate selection immediately.
  • @SiraRell:
    Good dog.
    • @KriegerLittleton:
      STOP FEEDING HIM HOT DOGS.
      • @PedroLittleton:
        Oppressive regime.
• @ArrowRockTattler:
  Updated notes:
  Sira appears to have secured both Lola Marcy and Pedro.
  Krieger may no longer be a necessary participant in his own engagement.
  • @SiraRell:
    He plays guitar.
    • @PedroLittleton:
      Acceptable secondary skill.
• @MarshallOldGrad:
  Krieger: “Please stop assuming every girl I’m photographed with is romantic.”Alice: Here is the complete kissing ledger.Siblings remain humanity’s natural predators.
  • @AliceLittleton:
    I provide transparency.
• @LocalBoy14:
  I need Chem Corvos to officially review Krieger now just because he keeps saying he hasn’t met her.
  • @ChemCorvosWatcher:
    She only really goes after boys who brag too much.
    Sweet ones usually get a pass.
    Brush teeth.
    Don’t get too handsy.
    Don’t act like God’s gift.
    It’s a pretty achievable rubric.
    • @KriegerLittleton:
      WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW THIS RUBRIC?
• @MarshallGirl16:
  Krieger’s problem is that Chem would probably say something nice and then he’d be even more embarrassed.
  • @NylaChakrobarty:
    Correct.
    • @KriegerLittleton:
      I am blocking everyone.
• @FreeholdTeenThread:
  Honestly, “brushes his teeth and doesn’t get too handsy” is becoming the Freehold teenage male equivalent of a five-star safety rating.
  • @KCgarcia:
    The standards are not high.
    • @JimnahChakrobarty:
      You would be surprised.
• @SiraRell:
  I am not concerned about a game he played before he met me.I am concerned that apparently seven girls had an opportunity to tell me whether he was a bad kisser and nobody has provided useful data.
  • @KriegerLittleton:
    SIRA.
    • @NylaChakrobarty:
      I have notes.
      • @KriegerLittleton:
        NO.
• @AliceLittleton:
  SIRA, I HAVE EXTENSIVE HISTORICAL RECORDS.
  • @KriegerLittleton:
    YOU WERE TWELVE.
    • @AliceLittleton:
      AND OBSERVANT.
      • @ArrowRockTattler:
        Interview request sent.
• @ClaudiaChakrobarty:
  There are no “historical records.”Alice was standing on a chair shouting commentary.
  • @AliceLittleton:
    That sounds like oral history.
    • @JourneyChakrobarty:
      Unfortunately, she has a point.
• @BuellaChakrobarty:
  For the record, I will not be rating Krieger’s kissing.
  I am minding my own business.
  Again.
  • @MarshallGirl13:
    The only person learning from experience.
    • @BuellaChakrobarty:
      Exactly.
• @PedroLittleton:
  I can rate Krieger’s kissing.
  He frequently kisses my head.
  Technique: adequate.
  Treat follow-through: inconsistent.2.5 biscuits.
  • @KriegerLittleton:
    Whoever runs this account is going to die.
    • @PedroLittleton:
      Threatening beloved local celebrity. Screenshot saved.
• @ArrowRockTattler:
  Pedro Littleton has now reviewed Krieger’s kissing.I did not expect today’s reporting plan to go this direction.I should have.
  • @DougMeyers:
    Always follow the dog.
    • @ArrowRockTattler:
      Journalism school never covered this.
• @MarshallProjectTrack:
  Can we appreciate that Krieger and Jimnah are in the same project-management class and now both have accidental romantic spreadsheets following them around?
  • @JimnahChakrobarty:
    Mine involves breakfast.
    • @KriegerLittleton:
      Mine involves defamation.
      • @ChemCorvosFanPage:
        Does he brush his teeth?
        • @KriegerLittleton: YES.
• @SalineCountyTita:
  Lola Marcy approving Sira matters infinitely more than a bottle game from last year.Girl ate the pinakbet and offered to teach her puto.Case closed.
  • @DougMeyers:
    I know Marcy. That is not casual approval.
    • @AliceLittleton:
      Still doesn’t change THE BOTTLE HYPOCRISY.
• @GlobalTeenFeed:
  Today’s Freehold summary:
  Krieger is engaged to Sira.
  Sira has moved into half his dresser.
  Lola Marcy approves.
  Pedro approves because food.
  Pedro may be sentient.
  Alice remains furious about a confiscated bottle.
  Krieger once kissed seven girls during spin the bottle.
  Buella is minding her own business.
  Chem Corvos has never met Krieger but her “brush your teeth, don’t brag, don’t get handsy, be sweet” standard has somehow become his unofficial character assessment.
  And the Arrow Rock Tattler is taking notes.